Not Creepy, Just Misattuned
Two people leaning away in a surrealist image.
How to show interest without being pushy—and why hiding your desire backfires
Picture this: You've just had an incredible date. The conversation flowed, you laughed, there were moments of real connection. As you're saying goodbye, you feel that pull—should I try to kiss them? But immediately, the thoughts flood in: What if I misread everything? What if they think I'm creepy?
So you don't. You go for the safe hug. You wait for them to make the move. You make yourself small.
And then, they don't text back.
In my practice, I work with a lot of progressive, thoughtful cis hetero men who deeply respect women. These are guys who would never want to be "that guy"—the one who pressures, who doesn't take no for an answer, who makes women uncomfortable. Their intentions are good. But in their effort to be respectful, they've lost access to something essential: the ability to express desire at all.
They can't move from "I like you" to "I'm interested in something romantic or sexual with you." The space between those two things feels like a minefield.
The most common thing I hear? "I don't want to come off as creepy."
Here's what I want you to understand: If you're genuinely concerned about that—if you're committed to listening, to paying attention, to caring about the other person's experience—you're not creepy. You might be misattuned. And those are very different things.
Initiating Doesn’t Have to be Awkward
The men I work with who struggle most with this tend to care deeply about women. They're progressive, left-leaning, aware of power dynamics and consent. They've read the articles. They understand that women deal with unwanted advances constantly, and they don't want to contribute to the problem.
So they make themselves small. They wait. They hold back their desire entirely, hoping the woman will take the lead or give them an unmistakable green light before they make any move at all.
This caution comes from a good place. But it creates a confusing dynamic where there's mutual attraction and... nothing happens. Just politeness and uncertainty. And paradoxically, it often reads as disinterest—which ends the potential connection before it can begin.
The confusion comes from conflating consideration with complete abdication. There's a middle ground between being pushy and being invisible. Most respectful men haven't learned how to occupy that space.
How to Know the Difference
What Makes Something Creepy
Creepy is when someone has little to no consideration of the context or of the other person's humanity, and asserts their desire onto them anyway.
Here's what characterizes creepy behavior:
No consideration of context. Someone yelling at you on the street about how hot you are—that's not a context conducive to any romantic or sexual connection.
Assertion of power. The person is imposing their desire without inviting participation or response.
No vulnerability. When someone's being creepy, they're not risking rejection because they're not offering themselves for consideration. They're just taking.
Entitlement. There's an underlying message of "I'm interested, therefore I get access to you."
Examples: Following someone home after they smiled at you. Continuing to push after someone has indicated they're not interested. Saying "I was nice to you, now you owe me." These aren't misattunements—these are violations.
Creepy shouldn't happen in healthy relating. It's outside the bounds of what a conscious, considerate exchange of power looks like.
What Misattunement Looks Like
Misattunement acknowledges the context and responds appropriately to it while still expressing desire—through physical touch, words, the quality of your presence, or the way you show up.
Here's what characterizes misattuned behavior (rather than creepy):
Context-aware. You're reading the situation and responding to what seems appropriate for this relationship at this moment.
Expressing desire. You're making your interest known through some form of action or communication.
Vulnerable. You're risking rejection—there's real uncertainty about the outcome.
Repairable. When you miss the mark, you can acknowledge it, apologize, and adjust.
Real Examples of Showing Interest That Aren't Creepy
The end-of-date kiss attempt: You've had what feels like a great date with clear mutual attraction. You lean in for a kiss... and they go for a hug instead. That's not creepy. That's misattuned. Maybe they need more time. Maybe they don't kiss on first dates. Maybe they're not that interested. But they're not going to leave that date and tell their friends, "Oh god, it was so creepy—he tried to kiss me."
The hand-hold reach: You're walking together and reach for their hand, but they keep their hands in their pockets or pull away. Misattuned, not creepy.
The suggestion to continue the evening: You suggest going back to your place or theirs when they're ready to call it a night. Again—misattuned, not creepy.
Why Repair Is Everything
Here's what repair looks like: "Oh gosh, I thought you wanted to kiss me. I'm so embarrassed. Was I reading that wrong?" Or: "I'm sorry, I should have asked first—are you comfortable with me holding your hand?"
This vulnerability—admitting you misread something, expressing your embarrassment, checking in—creates connection. It shows you care about their experience, that you're responsive to feedback, and that you can handle being wrong.
Misattunement happens in every relationship. It's not your job to perfectly understand exactly what your partner wants at any given moment. The repair is what matters.
What Happens When Desire is Hidden
Here's where we need to talk about power dynamics—because it's not what you think.
Many of the men I work with confuse the vulnerability required in expressing desire with some unknown, unrepairable offense that will isolate them from any romantic possibility. So they don't express desire at all. They make themselves small. They abdicate all responsibility for the sexual or romantic energy in the connection.
But here's the irony: when one partner won't take responsibility for their desire, it shifts ALL the responsibility onto the other partner. This creates a different kind of power imbalance.
Think about what this looks like in practice:
She has to generate all the momentum
She has to figure out if you're even interested
She has to carry the weight of escalation
She doesn't get to experience being clearly desired or to respond to your initiative—she has to create all the movement herself
She can't relax into her own response because she's doing all the work
Instead of creating an equal exchange of power, you've created an imbalance where your partner has to carry the entire sexual and romantic dynamic. That's exhausting.
It also prevents the kind of dynamic many cis hetero women are looking for—not because they want to be passive, but because they want a partner who shows up as an equal. They want someone sitting at the table with their own perspective, their own desires, their own energy—who's also genuinely curious about theirs. When you make yourself small, you're not participating. You're ceding all your power, which paradoxically gives them too much responsibility for the entire connection.
How to Show Interest Without Being Pushy
Let me be clear: having desires is not offensive. Expressing desire is not offensive—as long as you're considerate of the context and conscious of the power dynamic.
This isn't about ignoring consent—it's about understanding that enthusiastic consent often develops gradually, and that expressing interest (with attunement and responsiveness) is part of how consent conversations happen, not something that violates them.
Expressing desire creates understanding and stability in a relationship. When someone says "Hey, I have a want, I have a clear interest," it provides clarity. Your partner knows where you stand. They have something to respond to. They can say yes, no, not yet, or let's talk about it.
Not expressing desire, on the other hand, feels destabilizing and disconnecting in partnerships where there should be an equal exchange of power. It creates confusion, second-guessing, and a strange distance.
Here's what healthy desire expression accomplishes:
Creates clarity: Your partner knows what you want and can make informed decisions
Demonstrates individuality: You're showing up as a whole person with your own perspective
Allows equal participation: Both people get to bring their desires to the table
Makes you present: Having a want means you're contributing something to the relationship, not just responding to what others want from you
When the Answer Is Just "No"
One more important piece: Sometimes you'll express interest and the answer is a clear "no"—not "not yet," not "I need to know you better," just no. That's not misattunement. That's your partner having their own desires that don't include you romantically or sexually, and that's information too.
Your job is to receive that with grace. A "no" doesn't mean you did anything wrong or that your desire was inappropriate. It means you offered something and they're not interested in taking you up on it. That's how consent works—both people get to show up with their truth.
Permission to Be Misattuned
If you've been holding back out of fear of being creepy—or if fear of rejection has kept you from making a move—I want to offer you some relief:
You're probably not creepy. You're being considerate in a way that's creating the disconnection you're trying so hard to avoid.
Misattunement is normal. It happens in every relationship. No one reads signals perfectly every time. What matters is how you handle it when you miss—with vulnerability, accountability, and responsiveness.
Expressing desire is respectful when it includes awareness of the context and relationship dynamic, genuine vulnerability (real risk of rejection), responsiveness to feedback, and willingness to repair when you miss the mark.
Your desire is not an imposition. It's information. It's an offering. It's your half of the equation. Your partner gets to respond however they want—and their response doesn't mean your desire was wrong or creepy. It just means you were misattuned, and now you have more information.
The next time you feel that paralysis—Should I? What if they think I'm creepy?—ask yourself instead:
Am I being considerate of the context? Am I expressing this with vulnerability, not entitlement? Can I handle being wrong and repair if needed?
If the answer to all three is yes, then you're not being creepy. You're being human. You're being real. You're showing up.
And that's exactly what creates the authentic, alive connections you're looking for.
A Note on Boundaries
If you find yourself reading this as permission to push past someone's discomfort or ignore their signals because "misattunement is normal"—that's not what this is. Misattunement is normal. Ignoring feedback about misattunement is when you cross into creepy territory. The whole point is staying responsive to what you're learning about your partner's desires, not just pursuing your own.
FAQ
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Ask yourself: Am I considering the context? Am I being vulnerable (risking rejection)? Can I repair if I misread things? If yes to all three, you're nervous, not creepy. Creepy involves entitlement, ignoring context, and refusing to adjust when someone expresses discomfort.
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Often it's because you've conflated expressing desire with imposing on someone. You've internalized the message that your interest is inherently burdensome. The result is paralysis and you haven’t learned how to show interest without feeling like you're doing something wrong.
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Be context-aware, be vulnerable (actually risk rejection), and stay responsive to feedback. Express your interest clearly, then pay attention to their response. If they're not reciprocating, acknowledge it and move on. The pushiness comes from ignoring feedback, not from expressing interest in the first place.
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Not necessarily. Rejection just means they weren't interested. That's information, not an indictment. You were only creepy if you ignored their signals, pushed past their discomfort, or acted entitled to their attention.
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Yes. Therapy can help you understand where the fear comes from, distinguish between protective patterns and real danger, and build the capacity to tolerate the vulnerability that intimacy requires. It's about bridging the gap between knowing what you want and being able to show up for it.
If this resonates and you're ready to work on showing up more fully in your intimate life, I'd love to talk. I work with men navigating sexual anxiety, intimacy fears, and the gap between knowing what they want and expressing it.
