Do I need to see a pelvic floor therapist too?

I strongly recommend it because sexual pain is both physical and emotional. Sometimes it's inflamed muscle or a nerve that's over firing. Going to see your medical providers can help with that. I can help you find someone if you need a referral.

What if my doctor says nothing is wrong?

Happens all the time. Doesn't mean the pain isn't real. Sometimes the anticipatory and emotional components are driving most of the experience. Doesn't mean you won't benefit from Pelvic Floor PT and therapy. We work with what your body is doing, not what a test says.

If we are doing individual therapy, I have found it helpful to have one or two sessions to encourage healthy communication. I do work with couples where one experiences sexual pain, especially if the sexual pain is creating a mismatch in libido.

I've been avoiding sex completely. Is that okay?

Makes complete sense when something hurts. You can't experience pleasure if you're in unwanted pain.

How is this different from pelvic floor therapy?

They work with the muscles, tissue, and physical patterns. I work with the fear, the relational stuff, the identity piece, and the nervous system responses wrapped up in the pain. Different layers, same problem.

Bring the conflict with you.

Relationship Therapy

THerapy for two partners.

Why "relationship" and not "couples"?

Relationship therapy is psychotherapy for two partners together, working on the cycle you've built between you. Most couples who call me say some version of "we have communication issues." By the time you're calling a therapist, you've usually communicated plenty. The pattern underneath the communication is what we're after.

And why "relationship" instead of "couples"? Because "couples therapy" tends to conjure married and monogamous, and plenty of committed partnerships are neither. Dating, married, decades in, monogamous or ethically non-monogamous: I work with two partners at a time, whatever the container around you looks like.

The fight on repeat

Every couple's fight has a script: who pursues and who withdraws, down to the sentence that kicks it off. The script survives your best intentions because the cycle runs between two nervous systems that have learned each other's alarms. No amount of talking about the fight on Tuesday changes what your body does on Saturday. And when I say fight, I really mean any form of conflict- when your want and your partner’s don’t match up.

So in session, I interrupt the loop while it's happening. We slow it down until you can both catch what your body does in the half-second before you go on the attack or check out.

That half-second is where the growth starts. Can you stay intimate without disappearing? Tell the truth when your whole body wants to smooth it over? You don't have to abandon yourself to keep the relationship. And you don't have to blow it up to get yourself back.

You can't want someone you're

completely fused with.

MISMATCHED DESIRE

including the roommate era nobody planned

PEOPLE PLEASING

one of you says yes to everything, and the resentment that comes with it

SEXUAL PAIN

and how it's reshaping your sex life as a pair

SEXUAL ANXIETY

including performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, and the ways you brace before sex

NEURODIVERGENT SEXUALITY

finding and defining what a sensory-affirming sex life looks like for you

COMMUNICATION

That same fight on repeat. However its currently disguised

NON-MONOGAMY

starting ethical non-monogamy, or repairing after an opening went badly

AFFAIR RECOVERY

rebuild a stronger relationship

Not sure? That’s what a free phone consult is for.

SCHEDULE

What are sessions like?

I'm active in the room. I'm not a referee, and there's no villain hunt. We treat the cycle, since neither of you built it alone. I work from a differentiation-based couples model, which means we're building two solid selves that can stay connected under pressure, rather than sanding you both down into agreement. Sometimes we’ll talk about your sex life, sometimes we won’t.

Expect experiential work instead of a weekly recap of the conflict. I don’t shy away from challenging you both to grow. Hopefully you’ll feel my commitment and care. I’ll likely make you laugh too.

Rates & logistics

$300 for 50 minutes

via telehealth anywhere in New York and Oregon

I'm private pay only and can provide superbills for out-of-network reimbursement. I hold a few reduced rate spots to increase access to care: ask about the waitlist on our consult call.

FAQs

No. Married, dating, partnered for decades, never planning to marry, monogamous or not: relationship therapy is about the relationship you have, whatever shape it takes.
No, and I'll be honest with both of you, which sometimes feels like the same thing. The pattern is the problem I'm hired to confront. If there is harm happening, I will take a stand and support you both through it. Harm doesn’t belong in any relationship.
Yes. Skepticism is workable. Come as you are and say so out loud in the first session.
Yes. Sessions are for two partners at a time: I don't treat a polycule as a whole, and if you have other partners within an ENM framework, those relationships are part of the picture we work with rather than a problem to fix.
Then that's the real question, and it deserves a real process. I won't promise you an outcome. I'll help you both see the relationship clearly enough to choose it, change it, or end it well.