Good News: You’re Not Low Libido, You Just Hate Your Roommate

You're standing in the kitchen, staring at dirty dishes in the sink. Again. Your partner has been home all day, and somehow those dishes are still your problem.

Later, they slide close to you in bed with that look—you know the one—hoping tonight will be different. But all you can think about is those dishes. And the overflowing trash. And how they NEVER refill the toilet paper.

You're furious. They're confused. Nobody's having sex. Everyone loses.

Sound familiar?

If you're nodding while feeling that familiar knot of resentment in your stomach, you're not broken. You're not falling out of love. You're experiencing one of the most common—and fixable—relationship dynamics I see in my practice.

About once a week, I have this exact conversation with a couple. So let me share what I tell them, because it might just help your relationship (and your sex life).

You don’t just have one relationship with your partner, you have many. And each relationship you have with your partner needs to be attended to separately.

Let me break this down:

👥 Roommates/Household Partners → Managing shared space, chores, household flow 

💕 Lovers → Intimacy, desire, physical and sexual connection

👨‍👩‍👧 Co-Parents → Kids' needs, discipline, scheduling, family decisions 

💰 Financial Partners → Budget, goals, spending, future planning 

🎮 Best Friends → Fun, emotional support, shared interests, companionship 

🏡 Life Partners → Long-term planning, major decisions, growing old together

Most couples have at least 3-5 of these relationships happening simultaneously.

And you might be amazing at some and terrible at others.

Maybe you're incredible co-parents but struggling lovers. Perhaps you're great friends but terrible financial partners. That's NORMAL.

The problem starts when we let frustration from one relationship blend into all the others.

The more types of relationships you have, the more types of conversations you need to be having

Do you not trust them to follow through as your roommate or as your lover? There's a difference. Upset at them as your roommate? Likely means you need to have a conversation about boundaries and household responsibilities. Not trusting them as your lover to follow through? The conversation might need to be about expectations, needs, and the kinds of emotional intimacy you're available for. See the difference? The stakes are much higher in the latter. But folks often bleed one feeling into all of the different relationships they have, often making the stakes feel higher than they actually are.

Example from inside the therapy room

Names changed for privacy

Angel and Ignacio came to me in crisis. Ignacio had discovered Angel's months-long affair. Their blended family was in chaos. They were incredible co-parents but couldn't stand to be in the same room.

Then, they tried something different. Angel told Ignacio, "I'm showing up to family dinner as your co-parent, not your lover or partner. I'm here for the kids. I need you to understand I'm not available for physical affection right now—I'm still too hurt. But I can be a good co-parent."

This shifted a few things:

• Ignacio stopped trying to fix the betrayal with romantic gestures

• Angel could be present for the kids without faking intimacy

• They could succeed in one relationship while working on another

• The kids got stability even while the marriage was in repair

After working on their lover and partner relationships separately from their co-parenting, they rebuilt their marriage. But it started with this separation.

Tending to all of your relationships increases connection and helps you be accountable where it counts.

The part you’ve all been waiting for.

How to Untangle Your Relationship(s)

1) Name Which Relationship Is Struggling

Before you communicate with your partner, pause and ask: "Which relationship am I actually upset about?"

• Frustrated about unequal household labor? That's about fairness (roommate)

• Feeling disconnected physically? That's about intimacy (lover)

• Worried about financial decisions? That's about security (financial partner)

2) Have Separate Conversations for Separate Relationships

The more relationships you have, the more intentional conversations you need.

Roommate conversations focus on:

• Division of labor

• Household systems

• Respect for shared space

Lover conversations explore:

• Desire and attraction

• Physical needs

• Intimacy barriers

• Sexual satisfaction

Financial partner conversations address:

• Spending patterns

• Future goals

• Risk tolerance

• Financial fears

3) Match Your Response to the Relationship

Cleaning the house isn't a way to apologize for forgetting an anniversary. Acknowledging you messed up and planning a do-over with an extra dose of quality time might be. Giving your partner a blow job (no matter how awesome it is) won't make you a better financial partner. Committing to your agreed upon budget will.

Match the solution to the actual problem.

Your Relationships Are Worth Saving—All of Them

As a Level 2 IFS-trained sex and relationship therapist, I specialize in helping couples untangle these overlapping relationships. This isn't about lowering your standards or accepting crumbs. 

You can be mad at your roommate and still desire your lover. You just need to learn how.